jail is where they belong- except merle
by nasmus
Summary: an alternate beginning to the friendship of merle, taako, and magnus, post voidfish. how they all could have met.


They found him weeping in the ruins of Raven's Roost. With muscles like an ox, and sideburns like a bugbear, the guards knew immediately this is the man Kalen told them about.

The man who destroyed a city out of a twisted sense of justice.

He didn't struggle when they arrested him, and for that they were thankful. If he did decide to fight, none of them were sure they would be able to subdue him. After shackling him in the back of the wagon, the guards made the slow trip back to Phandalin in silence, the only sound a single word their prisoner repeated over and over, as though he would go insane if he didn't.

_"Julia… Julia…"_

The elf had been running for months, and in the end, it was only because of luck and a tip from the boyfriend that he was caught. The famous chef, whose name was known through the world for killing over forty people through arsenic poisoning.

He fought to his last, taking down three officers with a well cast Magic Missile as they cornered him in a high-class hotel room in downtown Phandalin. He took out a fourth with a sleep spell, and was about to cast another when his long-time partner and lover knocked away his wand.

From there, it was a purely physical struggle. The elf was quickly subdued and taken to prison. The guards reported he went screaming and swearing the entire way.

Hekuba grinned as she read that day's newspaper. On the front page, tucked in a corner was a small article that read:

_Merle Highchurch was recently brought into custody as of XX/XX. Charges include Failure to Pay Child Support, Failure to Appear in Court. He will be held in Phandalin Prison until further notice. _

Hekuba took up her scissors, and began to neatly cut out the article. This would be going in the family scrapbook.

"Awww, come on guys!" Merle cried as they threw him in the cell. Picking himself off the floor, he ran for the door as they shut it, and then rattled the bars. "Come on! This can't be legal!" The men, confident that he wouldn't be able to escape, started back down the hallway.

"The kids aren't even mine!"

The iron door shut behind them, sending an echoing sound down the hall. Sighing, Merle turned to face his cellmates.

The first was an elf, curled with his knees to his chest on the left bunk. His hair fell in beautiful ringlets around a sharp, elegant face. He raised an eyebrow as Merle looked at him.

Looking at the man in the right bunk, Merle decided he would be more receptive, and scrambled up the tall metal slab to sit beside him.

"Hiya, buddy!" Merle started brightly, thrusting his hand out to shake, "Have you heard of the wonderful word of Pan?"

The man said nothing, and didn't look up. Merle saw him twist a metal band on his left hand, once, then twice, before stopping.

"Married, huh?" He chirped.

The man's head shot up, and expressed such a look of devastation and hatred that Merle instantly fell silent. Without a word he slid from the bench and went to sit by the elf.

"So, pal. What's your name?"

The elf raised an eyebrow at him. "You don't recognize me?" He drawled.

"'Fraid not!" He said, "But Pan knows-"

"Spare me the sermon, "The elf said with a sigh. "You don't have a chance with me, homie. And the name's _Taako._" He paused. "You know. From TV?"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

Taako huffed. "Figures you wouldn't watch quality television. "He muttered. "What _do _you watch, grandpa? Magical Items Roadshow? Andy the Griffin Tamer?"

"Those are quality programs for all ages!" Merle argued. The elf grinned at him.

"Fantasy Feud? The Golden Witches?"

Merle sighed. "Fine, but one day, you'll be watching the same shows! And realizing I was a surveyor of dreams, far before my time-"

"Doubt it!" Taako sing-songed.

Merle pouted and turned away.

"So," the elf said after a moment of silence, "Pan, huh? So you're a- don't." he said, as Merle brightened. "What's your _class, _homie?"

"Well, Merle Highchurch's the name, and Pan's the game!" he said proudly. "For a follower of Pan, I'm your- "He saw Taako's look." Paladin! I'm a paladin, I mean."

"Divine powers then?" Taako said, a hint of contempt in his face.

"All that you could dream of and more," Merle boasted. "Pan's never let me down-"

"He let you get locked up here," The elf pointed out.

"All a part of his plan!"

"Sure, sure," Taako said, a wicked grin forming on his face. "But you know, speaking of plans- what would say about breaking out of this joint homie?"

"Now, why would I want to do something like _that, _with _you?_" Merle said, giving him a suspicious look, "I don't even know you! You could be an axe murderer! Or a- a snitch! And you don't know me either! _I _could be a snitch!"

"This isn't Magic She Wrote, grandpa," Taako said with a raised eyebrow. "True, I'm not sure what you're in for, grandpa, but it can't be anything bad. As for myself," he paused, "I_… _did not _mean, _to do it, so I shouldn't be punished for it."

"Uh huh."

"Besides," Taako said, drawing out the last syllable, "What do you have to lose? If you get caught, well, you were in jail in the first place. If you escape? You're home free baby!"

"True," Merle admitted, "Still doesn't convince me you're not a snitch."

"Grandpa," Taako said, "I'm a simple idiot wizard, but even I'm not stupid enough to be a rat. Look, homie, just say it- you wanna get out of this joint?"

"Well… I guess, since my weekend's already shot-"

"Alright!" Taako clapped his hands together. "Now listen-"

The human on the opposite cot stood up, his roughened face hard. His voice was soft, but carried a weight behind it, silencing the pair in seconds. "I'm coming with you," He said. "I can help."

Merle and Taako looked at each other, then back at the human. "Sure!" Taako said. "Sure! Uh, what's your name, though, big guy?"

"Magnus." He said. "What's the plan, then?"

"I've got an idea." Taako said. "Just play along now, fellas."

He sauntered over to the bars, stuck his arms through the bars, and let out an Oscar-worthy wail. "Oh! Oh my! Grandpa Piss is having a heart attack! Someone needs to send in a healer, preferably with a short attention span and a spare wand!"

"Oh, that is so not going to work-"

From down the hallway, the door slammed open and they heard a herd of footsteps, and Taako looked at Merle with a smirk. Merle sighed, and collapsed to the floor.

"Oh the pain! The chest pain! This is the end, fellas! Pan, Pan this is it, I'm coming Pan!"

Magnus crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, watching the spectacle and waiting for his time to jump in. There was a hard edge to his face, the edge of a man who would do whatever he had to, but his eyes were a well of infinite sorrow, dark and deep enough to fall into.

Whether his new companions would change that, only time could tell.

_i just thought an au where they somehow all inexplicably met in jail would be fun... the only real difference would probably be them having to dodge the law up until they got picked up by the BOB. please review! _


End file.
